Maybe they tell you that you look great in a dress that in truth is not the best style for you.
Maybe they agree that your point of view in an argument when in fact they do not think you are being reasonable.
Saying someone did a great job when they didn’t or that your friends loved them when they didn’t is hoovering.
Not acknowledging how difficult something might be for you to do is hoovering.
Ridicule is a particularly damaging: “Here we go again, cry over nothing, let those big tears flow because the grass is growing.” Denying: “You are not angry, I know how you act when you’re angry,” and “You have eaten so much, I know you aren’t hungry,” invalidate the other person by saying they don’t feel what they are saying they feel.
Minimizing: “Don’t worry, it’s nothing, and you’re just going to keep yourself awake tonight over nothing” is usually said with the best of intentions.
(Blaming is different from taking responsibility.) Hoovering: Hoovering is when you attempt to vacuum up any feelings you are uncomfortable with or not give truthful answers because you don’t want to upset or to be vulnerable.
Saying “It’s not such a big deal” when it is important to you is hoovering.
Some believe that invalidation is a major contributor to emotional disorders.
It’s like saying they know you as well as you know you, so they don’t ask, they assume, and may even tell how you think and feel.
Misunderstanding What it Means to Validate: Sometimes people invalidate because they believe if they validate they are agreeing.
Invalidation disrupts relationships and creates emotional distance.
When people invalidate themselves, they create alienation from the self and make building their identity very challenging.